New Lounge finally finished

And the door replaces what used to be an arch.

Flying

I hate flying. A post I read recently reminded me how much I love my husband.

Again. I hate flying. I am one of those people who get on a plane sweating from all pores despite being medicated to the teeth.

Despite this very real phobia, I have - gone on a helicopter ride ( at my nephews school fete) - this was a mistake I still wake up in cold sweats about. The pilot seeing my discomfort decided to have fun with me.
He put me in the co pilots seat and took great pleasure in my saucer shaped eyed. I say this because once we had taken off, he turned to me in innocence and showed me a thumbs up, when I reciprocated, he flipped the helicopter and showed me all the reasons I really hate flying. That I got out of there with my pants semi dry is beyond me. (I did make a hasty b line for the loo I must say), but hey, my dignity was intact.
There after I was co erst into a flight on the Hewie, a Vietnam helicopter (still flying - yeah really) in Cape Town. This one I actually enjoyed. We were flying low and the pilot played "The Doors " full blast, the worst that coulda happened was that I dive bombed out of the side (it was open - no doors - just like the war) and landed up the the Milnerton sand dunes).
For my 40th birthday my loving husband decided that I needed to see the East. The East is great. If you can drive. I hated the 11 hour flights.

Hanging on to my arm rests for that amount of time gave my fingers a serious work out.

I downed all the vodka they would give me. But the flights were still hair raising.
Landing in Singapore was "interesting " too. Despite that fact that we had circled for an hour and there were emergency vehicles lining the runway, my husband was his usual calm self (damn him). I on the other hand was a wreck. Hair soaked and standing on end, I am the dream travelling companion.
Luckily I had stocked up on tabs to see me through, so I was semi ok.
At each stop (there were four) I was relieved and jubilant, then a day before I knew we had to get back on that thing, I went into survival mode.
Just breathe.
And breathe
And it'll be over, just breathe.
The worst was yet to come.
In my ultimate wisdom I decided that ballooning was the thing that would impress hubby most for his birthday.
I booked the weekend.
It was a surprise.
All was good, I had mentally blocked the fact that we were to leave tera firma.
At 5 in the morning we got up and all was well (I lie I lie)
I am not a morning person and this probably saved me. If I was more awake I probably would have run screaming when I saw that balloon inflating.
We were all aboard before I was thinking clearly. When we started ascending I was finished. If you have ever seen a terrified person, that was me. I clung onto the side for dear life, refusing to look down, what was more unfortunate was that my position gave me full view of the thingie that tracked our height. How I managed to stay standing is beyond me.
Hubby and our friends kept asked me to "look here" "face here".....not gonna happen. Needless to say there are not many photos of me on this trip.
Lastly I hate flying

Another email

1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.

2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every colour.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt... a wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.

4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.

8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons in 2009 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

12. Remember where ever there is a good looking; sweet, single or married man there is some woman tired of his bullshit!

13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest.

14. If it has Tyres or Testicles it's gonna give you trouble.

15. By the time a women realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.

We went to get ONE CARPET

Three carpets later and one beautiful painting.

It is now finally up in the dining room and I love it more every time I see it.

An old email that I kept that has me rolling around everytime without fail

""My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the parrot.

I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:

"Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet."

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, youjust rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, mygenius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax"

. Y

eah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the rest of the family sharing my home with me, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the was strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my privatesand stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

I hear the slamming of a cell door. $&%#$! Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut

.

Sealed shut!

I penguin

-walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do, and think to myself:

"Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

* WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub -- the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which -

by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter -- "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. Shewants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort toscraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the neighbours' kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point. ""

Next week I'll tell you about my very own experience of the above kind!

My first water colour

Haven't done any kind of drawing or painting in 10 years. Yes ten years.

I chose this as my first bash and realised that it ain't so easy and practice is absolutely necessary.

It was already claimed by Cheryldene before it was finished, so guess it isn't too bad.

The next one will be for Bianca and by then I will hopefully know what I am doing again.

Andreas wants me to start keeping a portfolio of them. Maybe should just keep a few, if the urge continues long enough to keep it up a little longer.

I lose interest in crafts very easily, so we'll just have to see.

Todays giggle

The below is just wrong on so many levels - but made me think of Rene from Not The Rockerfellers - :

I was student teaching in the first grade. We were just introducing addition. One of the boys told me that he could add and he even knew how to do "attraction." I inquired about his knowledge. He said," Oh, you know! Like you’ve got 5 kids in the hall and 2 go into the bathroom. THAT’S attraction!

Wii Fit

I got Wii Fit for mothers day.

I played so nicely , thought it may get rid of some of my frustration (nooottt), but it did give a few giggles.,

I was relieved to see that I am not the only one that this machines says "OUCH" to when asked to stand on the board.

I was quite offended when it first told me in the sinus voice "ready - please stand on me" then said "ouch".

Ok - feel better , but who on earth thought this was a cute thing to say........mmmm

It then proceeded to tell me that "balance is clearly not your cup of tea....do you find yourself falling over often?"

NO.

Not unless the wine bottle is almost empty - and even then I don't fall over - (well not since I was 18 - and that was after a whole bottle of tequilla)...

Never mind - it was just as insulting to hubby.

Before we reached this stage when we put our heights etc in, the little mini Mii w i d e n e d.

Alarmingly.

My Mii is short and square.......(really now! - who thought that this would be motivational?????).

Hubbys Mii is a little taller but also square ( so at least we are in the same boat - sigh....)

The exercises are at least fun. If you can get past the beginning "ouch".

The girls and I have become quite competitive (which is great motivation in itself), and this old lady is top of the hola hoop game (of all things)

Wonder....nah. (never mind - the mind went into the gutter there)

I have a healthy dislike of one of my in laws.

This weekend she told me that "she was not a cat person".

Grrrrrr.

Will not comment.

Think maybe I am not a human person.

Maybe need to go spend the day on the Wii fit and just go on and on and on until I can no longer stand.

Maybe will feel better then.

Photo's

I hate cameras.

I am not only unphotogenic, but I swear camera's conspire to make me look like some dimwit ,hobo or ten ton Tessa.

Who is this little guy inside every camera that just will not leave my reflection be?

My eyes are either closed,

I have three chins (where did all these chins come from?),

My nose has grown at least an inch (always inspecting to see if they have added the mole to complete the insult)

I often look squint and the worst of all , is that I am so much more woman in all photos.

And I do mean MORE WOMAN.

So - I decided that my youngest was going to do a few photos and I would delete and delete until there were a few that I was happy with.

Over two days I managed to get a few so herewith - the few.

Fairies and Goblins

I believe in Fairies

I took comfort from the thought that there are these magical little creatures out there who watch us mere human beings go about our lives.

As a child I would wish and wish and wish to see just one.

I bargained and pleaded.

But I think that at night when I slept, they came along and looked over me.

I know I am a big people. (gramma intentional), but I want to believe dammit.

Never mind. Proof , I don't need it.

The Fairy Call

A Spell for Summoning the Fairies
Sit where the cat sits.

Cross your toes.

Close your eyes.

And smell a rose.

Then say under your breath:"I believe in fairies, sure as death.

"Gadflykins! Gladtrypins!

Gutterpuss and Cass!

Come to me fairily

Each lad and lass!

From "Lady Cottington's Pressed Fairy Book"

We are allowed to let our inner children out. I think it is good for us all.

I think that with all the harsh realities of being a big people, we deserve a little magic in our lives.

May the magic of whatever your childhood fantasies you have, bring you as much fun and escape as you need to get by in the hard times.

Its official

I am fat.

I have been pretending for months that it is just cuddly. That being slightly over weight is OK.
I can no longer do up my zips and buttons on my pants.

Enough.

It is not cuddly and it is not cool.

I have been cycling for months to no avail.

Andreas tells me, with a really straight face, that I need to stop the wine.

STOP THE WINE.

Does he know that the wine is what keeps me sane. Does he know that the wine stops me from stabbing him repeatedly when he annoys me at night.
Wonder if he has considered that the girls may leave home if the wine is gone.
What of the dogs who don't listen to me, will they survive this lack of the mood stabiliser?

I looked in the mirror.

The wine has to go.

Life is sooooo not fair.

I stopped smoking 6 months ago and now my wine must also go.
I will have no more vices.

How boring . For me. Maybe not for those who have the misfortune of living with me.

But damn , I just can't be so cuddly that the zips and buttons can't be closed anymore, and I will not go up another size.

I refuse.

So - with tears in my eyes.

I begin the mourning for my close friend.
Goodbye wine.

Mothers day here in S.A soon so thought I'd share this email with you.

ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MUM, YOUR DAUGHTERS OR GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC.

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.

2. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

3. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

4. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

5. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

6. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

7 Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

8. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

9. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

10. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

and my favourite.....

11. Sadly, all men are created equal.

Winter

Winter always brings with it the smell of grass burning. I am not a winter person, but the smell of grass fires is definitely the smell of a Johannesburg winter and will be indelibly printed on my memory.

We are fortunate enough to live in a beautiful area on top of a hill, with vistas stretching forever.

In winter we can watch the grass fires day and night.

The views are inhibited by the smoke, but bring with them their own special beauty.

With each fire, the old dies off, and in spring, all the growth of the new greenery bursts through.

So while it may be dull in winter, we must just look forward.

A few months from now, all of this will be worth while.

In the meantime, hot Milo, electric blankets, and hot hot baths. There is some good to winter after all.