Two more sleepies

Only two more sleepies til Christmas day. Missing the niece and nephews plenty this week, and the adults that belong to these four children.

Read up on Cyclothymic disorder. What a shock. But no less helpless than the mother in me felt three months ago when she went into hospital after having her first "episode".

How could my child be so haunted, and there was nothing that I could do for her, nothing I could say to make it all better.

I know the hallways of utter helplessness. I know the weight of guilt. I have felt the darkness of unanswerable questioning.

My child was in trouble. Some days still is.

I have always said that a child will never understand the pain of being a parent, until the day when their own child is in trouble, their own child cry's out in pain.

The gut wrenching, energy sapping horror of hearing the dry sobs of an inconsolable child.

This woman child of mine. I look at her sometimes and cannot fathom how she could see herself the way she does. She is so beautiful, and can be so full of life. She has a fantastic sense of humour, her laugh is a joy to hear and those eyes that sparkle.......and yet many of her days are filled with so much uncertainity, her lack of control of her emotions sends her into such despair.

I love her with every fibre of my being and yet she can drain me at times. These are the times when I jsut have no answers, I wish I knew here the magic wand was.

Where is the fairy dust that can transform this beautiful little creature into who she can be.

But back now to two more sleepies. Am more excited about their surprise presents than they are. All three of my soul splinters have a special surprise just for them, and neither girl suspects that she herself also has a little "something" just for her.

Am going home now, where Veronica is busy with her own little surprise supper for us. Am excited to see my special friend. Been a long week without her. She has been my rock this year. Listened to far too much whining and sympathised with far too many tears and tantrums in that patient way that she has, calming stormy waters like only she can. Love you Ronnie.

Still here

Still here and the decision has been made to not make the trip to the UK in January. There were many reasons, and after a lot of debate, logic told me this was the right call for now.

Now I am hoping that the kids can come here in April during their school Holidays.

I will now post off the Xmas presents , and while they'll be late, the little ones will get their love packages from SA sooner than they would have had they waited for us to go there mid January.

Missing the Australian travellers more than I thought.

Finally starting to feel the spirit of Xmas. Probably because today is most of our departments last day at work, so everyone is very festive around here.

Andreas has been forced to open one of his presents (as were both girls). I can't wait to see the look on their faces. Dreadful having these secrets and not being able to share. He has played nicely with his TOM TOM. Told me that the guy gets really annoyed when you don't listen to his directions (which Andreas never does)........hehehehe.

The girls only opened their Cd's. No big surprises there, but I bought Enrique as a to me love me present, because for some strange reason no one around me shares in my passion for this exquisite man. His voice still makes me breathless sometimes....shhh...don't tell Andreas. We take our kicks where we can get them....

No dead bodies ....yet

Woke up at 2 this morning, thinking of the "igit" at work, of the extended time its going to be before we can leave SA. Wondering how we are going to get through this Xmas without my family.
Worrying about Cheryldene, and praying that we can get through this patch with her unscathed. Love her so much but can't seem to show it right now. Wish I knew what to say, wish I knew what it is she needs from me.
Feeling guilty for the anger that I feel and vent at Andreas. Know that it is because I feel safest with him. Regret the hurt I saw in his eyes yesterday when I lashed out again.
And on top of all of this , really can't wait for the irritability to finally pass.
Do not recognise myself right now. Am completely intolerant of everyone.
One day short of 4 weeks smoke free. Web says at one month the irritability should pass.
Man do I hope that is true. Andreas voiced what I was thinking yesterday. Maybe time to go back onto happy pills.
Just too many sad things in my head overwhelming me right now.
Surprise myself too often by finding tears in my eyes, and pain in my soul.
The presents have gone under the tree. Plan to go and buy a tree for grandparents today. Theirs broke last year, and no matter how old you are, I don't believe a house is a home with a Xmas tree at Xmas, even if there are no children.
Tomorrow when I feel better I'll post pictures of all Andreas hard work on our house.
We now stand out , and the house can be seen from Klipriver. Blazing , bright, flashing Christmas lights, that somehow failed to make me happy yesterday.

The wonder of Christmas

I love Christmas. I can't wait to give presents. I love the searching for just the right thing for each person. This search begins months in advance. So many of us have what we need, and want for very little, which makes this search so much more exciting.

A passing comment someone makes in September becoming a secret purchase and I can't wait to see the expression when this present is revealed.

All the sparkly lights in the shops, all the Christmas songs being played, and the wonder on all the little children's faces.

I can spend hours in a toy shop, playing with all these gadgets that move and jiggle and sing and talk. How fantastic they all are. Frogs that sing, father Xmas's that dance and reindeer that glow......dolls that drink, cars that somersault...oh such fun.

Every year the Xmas tree is a different colour/colours. This year is blue and silver - and isn't it beautiful. The lights will go up soon, and everyone in the streets will be able to see Father Xmas on his sled, and a snow man, and a big "Happy Xmas" sign.

African Xmas's are far from the snowy beauty of Europe, but sunny Xmas's are beautiful too. All the trees and flowers in their glorious full bloom.

Will be missing all the glowing faces of the little people this year, but have all the brightly wrapped boxes ready to take with for them in the new year.

Today

Tuesday. Sun is shining brightly out there. How strange we arrange our lives, we are inside all day, while the day passes us by outside the window.

My favourite times are always spent "playing" in the garden. Just nothing compares to the feeling when you've got sore fingers and achy muscles and mud streaked body parts. Look around and all these beautiful bright wonders abound. I love to see the first flower on any plant. I love to see the rose bushes bursting like they are today. Will post a picture tomorrow of just how stunning they are at the moment.

Favourite smells, the very first rain of the season, and the first time the jasmine smell comes floating up onto the balcony from the profusion of bushes in the walkway.

Almost three o'clock - think its time to sneak out - dead head roses, do he treadmill thing for 40 minutes and then time to shower before going out, sound like a plan?

Weekend

A weekend of excess. Today marks three weeks of no smoking, so a little excess allowed?! Saturday nights Rod Stewart concert was fantastic. Not one seat open in the Dome. Thousands of people ranging in age from 16 to 80, a lot of women, and all having fun. He was worth every cent and entertained for the full two hours. Only hope we can also have as much energy when we get to his age.
Bianc was bopping along with us oldies, so nice to be with someone who can just have fun no matter where she is. My sunshine child.
Drove home in the dark and we all got home in one piece.......(no funnies jumping out at us this time)

Sunday spent dawdling around. A bit of cleaning, a bit of shopping and a lot of eating.

Put up the Xmas tree and some of the lights. House starting to look festive, but finding it so hard to get "the feeling" when most of the people I love are so very far away.
Cheryldene has passed the two subjects she wrote in September. (yipee).
Work starting to get quiet. A lot of people already disappearing on leave.
Looking at my ring (Early Xmas present) and just love it. The most beautiful blue - purple colour. Decided this is my favourite favourite colour.

My missing family

Brian and Deids. The names have become a source comfort and longing. I hear the voices, I see the faces, but can no longer touch or hug .
Brian is my baby brother and so much more. When we were young, I bullied and teased him mercilessly, but woe anyone else who tried to come near him.
As the years passed the roles changed so subtly that I can't say when he became my protector. My pillar,my advocate, and at some of the really low times, my only support system.
Giving me a little sanity and a lot of strength.
No matter what was going on in my chaotic life, my baby brother has always stood firm, and I have known that no matter what....he was always there, and never judged.
When the day arrived that he chose his wife, I knew that she would be special. This boy child had grown into the most wonderful father, and a stable and loving husband, as well as being the best uncle and brother that anyone could wish for.
For all of his awkwardness around emotion, he still manages to always say the right thing, always manage to let us all know that we are loved by him.
Through the years my sister in law has become one of my best friends. Someone easy to laugh with, and share the many tears we have cried together.
The day they broke the news of the impending emigration was one of the darkest to date.
Feels like yesterday when we sat at the airport and I felt the axis of my life change.
The last weeks with Deids,Kaylyn and Keegan were so special. So many little laughs, and fond memories. The play room is just not the same anymore. Funny how we all clung to those little things that at the time seemed so normal, and now looking back, bring a smile or a tear, depending on how bad the longing is at the time.
For weeks I cried everyday. For weeks I confused Andreas with my utter hopelessness.
How can this families departure have turned my life so upside down.
How do we deal with the loss of all that we once took for granted.
When will I be able to watch a rugby game and not think of where my brother is.
When will I be able to drive passed 14th Ave or Gordon and not feel that ache that is a physical pain.
How do we deal with all the anger of being put here again.
Now we must be content in watching those beautiful children grow in photos. I can see the changes everytime I see them. How did I take all of that for granted.
I miss Brian commenting on my constantly changing hair styles. I miss his caustic remarks to everyone around him. I miss Deids laugh, I miss Kaylyns smile, and believe it or not I miss Keegs screams when the girls used to tickle him.

My very first child. She was 4, I was a gawky teen. The first time I saw these soulful dark eyes, I was lost. Here was a child, who was as lost as I was. She was defenseless, and tiny. I took pride in dressing her up and holding her close. At that age, what did I know of protection, what did I know of security.
I can tell of times where I put myself in front of her, or ran down dark roads to try to take her away from danger, and while its best she never remembers these times, I know she remembers the love.
The times I cried for this dark haired, dark eyed, smily soul.
I cannot begin to explain where love began and how blood means so little in the scheme of things.
The day she saw the heartbeat of her own child for the first time, I was there.
I could not have loved her more had she been born of my very own flesh. I shed as many tears, and have had as many sleepless nights over this child as I have over my own flesh. She was truly, my first child, and while I did not give birth to her, I suffer and have suffered all the guilt of not being able to be a better parent. To be a better roll model for this, a beautiful, strong girl child, who became a woman before my eyes.She started this life with so much against her, and like a diamond, has turned all of the tragedies, into big shiny stones that show the way forward. The times that she has walked away from us, at the airport in Johannesburg have torn a whole new hole in my being. To remember James screaming when we waved them goodbye a few years ago. I cannot describe the anguish.
I remember Ollie on his first trip here. Andreas beaming and bragging over this child who had made his morning, just by being in the kitchen when he was on his way to work. I remember James in our bed, screaming for mommie (who had gone out)and telling my 'child allergic' husband to "LEAVE - JUST GO", and this self same husband calming this wonderful little boy down......I miss them. I miss them all. Family they are, and family they be. Everyday is a challenge, but they flourish. They are , all three of my lost family, happy, and well, and flourishing.

At 5am I walked up and down the stairs for the hundredth time.Today, was the day , when I would meet this little girl who was residing inside me. Today I would see her face and I would finally be able to go home to see the other little child who awaited us. Just after breakfast, the nursing staff decided that I should go to the labour ward. She announced her arrival with one huge howl , and then was silent. When I next saw her she was curled with her tiny butt in the air and her thumb still in her mouth.
A few hours later they brought this scrap to me. She opened her huge brown eyes and looked at me. I was in love.
She has continued to fascinate me. I watch her in awe, this baby of mine turned 18yrs old , 3c months ago, and her life has never ceased to fascinate me. She smiles continuously. She falls, and scrabbles up, bleeding and bruised, and smiles at the world. She has a passion for life and everything in this world, that never wanes. No matter what time she wakes up, the smile is there. She is , without a doubt, my sunshine.
While she feels pain, and is so connected to the "world" and everything in it, her positivity overflows onto everything she touches. From day one, she knew .....she knew that she garnered her energy , from what she could give to others.
As quick as she may be to anger, so quick is her forgiveness and her love. There is not a bone of malice in this child. The day she came home, she had everyone eating out of her hand, and that has continued. Her sister was extremely possessive, even at 2 and a half and would let no one near her - stating she was "my hang cass", but this big eyed, big hearted sunshine has so much to give everyone who is graced to be in her company.

Who was to know that these two little human beings would be the most important beings in my world. Almost 21 years ago, and yet I remember the minute that she came into this world. I remember my own dreams for this tiny tiny little person. I remember watching her breathe the first night. I remember not sleeping for weeks, because I wanted to make sure that this little miracle was breathing. I remember touching her fingers and getting a thill everytime they curled around mine. I can see her eyes staring at me when she first woke up at 2 in the morning. I remember her first smile, the same smile that almost 21 years later still melts my heart.
I remember. I remember.
I remember getting her clothes ready three months before she was due, and feeling the rolling of a still small person inside of me. I remember the thrill of her kicks every time I got in water.
I can still see the young person that I was, wanting so badly, to meet this little person who had changed my world forever, before she had ever seen the light or the wonder of the outside for the first time.
In all this time, the wonder of that smile, has never left me. So many laughs , and so many tears, and still ...one smile and I am putty.
In the last three years , this beautiful, wonderous little soul has had her own fair share of dark nights, and even darker knights. So wished that I could spare her. So wish that I could grow up all over again and take away these butterfly pains. The cacoon seems so tight right now, and it is so hard to stand back and watch this creation of mine battle........but I can see...............
I can still remember how you smelt.....I can still feel your warmth, and while right now you can't see it, I know that a beautiful butterfly is waiting to take flight.
This is the wonder of Bean.