More Prince Stuff

Sorry. Just have to do this, because he makes me happy, and he makes me afraid.
He is so very sick right now, and the thought of actually losing him has crossed my mind , fleetingly, again. Woke up at 2 in the morning with words swirling , and this will be the result of those swirls.
When I try to conjure up a memory - the first one that always pops into my head, is of a crisp winter morning. We met alongside mini town, over looking Wemmer pan. The fog was rolling in and as we chatted he casually took off his beige jacket and wrapped it around me.
I will never forget that gesture. It symbolised a promise then that he has never broken. With that jacket he offered protection, safety, and to put me first.
He has never failed to fulfil that promise. The girls and I are his number one priority.
We have had our ups and downs, and being so very different, the ride has been pretty steep at times, but even through the really low times, I have always known that he has my back.
He is my strongest supporter, and my most loyal champion, and still, after all these years, my very best friend. And that can be very trying I know.
He may not get me at all times, but these times are getting fewer as the years pass by, and though I sometimes don't get him, or am always happy with his way of doing things, I never doubt his commitment.
Within the first year we were married, we have been able to pass pain to each other - not intentionally - but it happens none the less. I know not everyone who reads this will believe it, but he often "shares" my headaches, and I know I have shared his asthma (even if it was just for a while). It has happened too often for either of us to doubt, so I know its a little more than the sympathy sharing that happens with us.
We don't have childhood memories, or decades of history, but sometimes I see the boy he was.
These times are when he is with his brothers. I often wonder why they spend so little time together, because they clearly have a good bond. They tease and prank, and giggle like the young boys they were. I see the glint in his and Wulfs eyes. Ticky is a little more difficult to gauge, but its clear he is part of this trio of brotherhood.
I have sometimes seen this when he was with Brian. When they had had too much to drink, or they were watching rugby. I have also seen it with Eddie occasionally, usually also when they are teasing the "girls" and the two of them pretend to gang up on us.
This husband I am so lucky to have is so very complex. He makes friends very seldom.
People flock to him, but he gives very little of himself. Most people do not know who he is.
The person they see is funny, and sympathetic, or distant and aloof. But he is both and he is neither.
To me , he is everything. To me , he is the first person who has really seen me. He is the first person who knows me, darkness and all, and is still here.
He stood by me in the first year, when I tried so hard to push him away. He has stayed with me even through some of our worst doubts and our most vicious fights.
I have seen hurt in his eyes a few times in our marriage, and he has hurt me, but I think that these hurts have made us so much stronger.
I have witnessed his pain in the last few weeks, but been too wrapped up in mine to really offer any comfort. But now is the time. We have a few weeks, and I will now focus on trying to get the haunted look off both our faces. To show him just how much he means to me, and how much I really appreciate all of his love.
I know how lucky I am , and I plan on making sure that this is forever. I never want to be without him, because without him I am not whole.

Time

This is supposed to be the happy blog. Just realised that I just can't do happy right now so will just simply say hello and chat later.

Today 19 Jan09

Its 2.30pm and I'm waiting for my girl child to come back from theatre. Just a gastroscopy but still pretty yukkie. Will be interesting to see how she copes with anaesthetic this time. Last time she was about 10 years old and had her tonsils out. I stayed the night with her in hospital as she kept bleeding. Two of us in one tiny bed was not fun.
Here's hoping we have no such drama this time, but its unlikely as they do not cut with this procedure.
Bean gets aggressive when coming out of it and is very funny, so I sit and wait in anticipation at how this woman/girl child of mine is going to react.
She has been feeling unwell for a few months already and I had written it off as an ulcer, but now the exams are over and we were hoping it would resolve itself, but it hasn't, so now they are trying to see if there may be another cause somehow. Hopefully it will all be fine.
I hate hospitals. Have spent so much time in and around them in my life that they are almost like a second home, but I hate them all the same. To me they represent lack of freedom and privacy.I don't have the phobias of people going in and not coming out or such things that others carry around, they just make me feel claustrophobic. You can't go to sleep when you want to as the lights are on til such and such a time. They bang and crash in the corridors til who knows what hour and so on! So annoying.
I heard news today from a friend I have had since school days. Her husband (after 27yrs) has asked for a divorce out of the blue. How my heart bleeds for her. How sad this news is.
I wonder if he knows what he is throwing away...all that history and someone who knows him better than anyone else ever will. So silly we humans can be, and only when its too late do we learn the lesson. The only advice I can give her is that that was given to me when I went through that.
She has all the right to be morbid, to feel sorry for herself. She must allow herself to mourn. It is worse than a death, as this way he is still walking around, and we have to deal with watching them move on. She must give herself permission to cry and scream and howl at the moon.

Bianc just got back and she is asking everyone who passes to teach her "their language"! She is not aggressive at all, just talking lots of nonsense and really funny. Will sign off now so I can go get her coke and stuff and phone her dad and boyfriend who are waiting for the call.

My Prince

This one goes to my husband. He is everything any girl could dream of.
I have always thought of him as my prince. After all the frogs, I finally found a really good looking, funny, courageous prince....who ,surprise surprise, chose me to sit next to him on the Heide throne.
In the beginning (heheheh)..............
Ok - lets not do that whole thing. But seriously, the beginning of our relationship was really hard. Most couples face the furnaces only after being married and these fires cement an already steady relationship. We did it the other way around. We walked through fire and came out the other end smouldering, clothing in tatters, but still hanging onto each other.
I would love to say it got easier after that, but life interrupts happily ever afters every time.
The first thing that springs to mind about him when I think of him is his sense of humour.
He makes me laugh.
His ability to laugh at himself is so endearing. I have a photo of him on holiday and have sent it to some of our work colleague's with the caption "the hobo I picked up on holiday". He has taken as giggled at this as much as I did when I told him about it.
I think this is even more surprising to people who do not know him well, because the first impression of him is of someone who is very serious or severe.
I delight in watching people respond to him, even though at times the little green monster comes out to growl.
Through the years I have seldom seen him cry , and invariably the tear that glints in his eye has been brought there by one of the many animals we have both fallen in love with.
I can still see him getting up at 3 in the morning to rescue Louis from ants. Louis was a pinkie at the time, and Andreas had set up a cage with lights and blankets to keep this little scrap warm between his two hourly feeds (which we took turns in giving him). He woke up to this tiny little screeching sound and checked on his "son", who was at that time was covered in ants (attracted to him by the milk smell I guess). From that time until he was old enough to fend for himself (about 2 mths later) Louis slept in Andreas hand in our bed. Andreas doesn't move around when asleep so all of our furry family chose to sleep with him at night.
This very proper man went to Board meetings with this rat in his pocket (we took turns looking after him at work)...........he was never concerned about what the rest of these very important people may think when they saw these little whiskers poking out......can you imagine the expressions. I so wish I was there to see it!
That was Louis.
Then there was Cleo. Another scrap who was not expected to live, but she was babied grew into a beautiful little cat who had no idea she was a cat. When she became a mommy,he was there stroking her and talking to her helping her give birth to her very own four babies.
Short of breaking out a cigar, anyone would have thought these were his very first grandchildren.
These and the other furry family members tribulations have proved to me that my prince truly has a heart of gold.
While these memories bring warmth into my heart, the way that he has loved the girls fills me with awe.
Last night when I got home, I saw for the first time, that our older child had brought that same teary glint to his eyes.
I have , over the years, sometimes felt alone as he does not always understand when I get all emotional over things.
The Leo drama queen has never been allowed to build mountains as the logical Aquarian has seen and pointed out the mole hills that they were.
This year , through our current little bump in the road, the prince has turned into a knight. He has seen and listened and supported at every turn.
The Aquarian and Leo have finally met half way.
He sometimes catches me staring at him. The love and gratitude I feel over take common sense and I find myself just drinking him in. He calls these my creepy moments.
He says (laughing) that I'm a pretty scary person. Yip - think he knows that should he ever decide to leave he may be in some really big trouble. Her Royal Highness the Hippo has really mean thought of what she may do , should he ever leave her to fend for herself.
Thoughts of scalpels come to mind.

Holiday

We decided at the last minute to get in the car and go to Namibia. Swakop is the place that Andreas loves most, and it may be the last time he gets to see it if our emigration plans pan out in the near future.
We left on a Saturday after Pat and Eddie got home from Oz, and drove up to Upington where we stayed the night at the Palace Casino (Palace haha). It was 38 degrees at 6.30pm. Unbelievable.
On Sunday we went up to the Kalahari Gemsbokpark (now called something else) where saw a pride of lions. There were three sets of cubs. A pair of males who looked half grown, another pair who were a few months old and two babies still suckling. They were in the middle of the road with the older lions, two males and two females. We watched them for ages and were spellbound. How beautiful is nature. At closing time we found a German lady a few kilometers outside the park where we stayed in the chalet for the night. It was dreadfully hot and I got up three times to shower hoping that would make it cool enough to sleep.
Slllllleeeeeepp.........sleeeeeeeep....it ran away from me that night, so in the car on the way to Windhoek I slept. The sleep of a cat.
Coming over the hill, my first sight of Windhoek was amazing. It has grown to almost double the size. The following day we arrived in Swakop. This beautiful little town has also grown.
The beaches that stretched on forever now have townhouses complexes, and huge houses everywhere. The town itself is still as beautiful as ever and the appeal of the area is still there though. There is something so lonely about the sand as far as the eye can see. You look one way and see sand til the horizon and the other way and see the sea. The girls loved the time together.One of the nicest things was that the girls could not access mxit or sms, so had to spend time with us and actually pay attention to what we were doing. They were given our phones at night and told they could go into mxit only.
During our stay we went quadding in the dunes, the dolphin and seal trip, drove up to the salt mines, and Andreas and I climbed Dune7 (the highest in Namibia). We ate out most nights and generally had a lot of family time.
Only on the way home did the wheels come off, and now we are home.
The one thing I have realised is how very much I love Andreas.
How lucky I am to have the few friends I have.