Regrets

Children come - children go. Not so much children anymore. Young adults.
Some paths chosen by them are not quite what we would have wanted, but looking back on my own life, I made a lot of mistakes myself.
One of my regrets is not protecting them enough. Maybe less discipline and more time.
In the early days it was trying to make a marriage work. I saw the writing on the wall and began focusing on a career.
Not a job, a career that would support us. I didn't have time. I didn't have energy. Not at home.
My young children were fed and clothed as best I could, but by the time I got home, I was mentally and physically drained. That I regret.
A few years went by and the marriage collapsed. I was sort of prepared but still not able to support us.
There were not enough hours in the day. I had to keep pushing. I had to try to build up. I had to do my all to climb, because the more I learnt, the more I did, the more I earned. It was a slow process, but we got by. We moved from noodles or potatoes to semi proper meals.
We had hard times, but instead of giving more attention to their emotional needs (losing their dad), I buried myself in work. I had a goal.
And then I met someone. He wasn't THE one, but he was a good guy. Suddenly we could live in a house. With a pool. I could stop worrying about paying rent. He had kids of his own, but initially that wasn't a problem. Then it was.
If I was unavailable before that, I soon turned into the ice queen. Still striving. Still trying to survive. Thinking a "good home" was better than the flat we came from.
Five years later I met the ONE and suddenly things changed. He wanted to father my children. He loved them. I moved out and even when the ONE and I broke up, I wasn't going back.
It was like I had woken up from a long sleep. My children existed. They spoke to me. They shared things. I read them stories, had done this before, but it was different now. I wasn't waiting to be interrupted or rushing to be the perfect partner.
I look back and know that they have always come first. They were my reason for striving. But they lost out. They needed time. They needed love. I loved in the only way I knew at the time, but I regret not spending more time with them.
There are scars. The older child has abandonment issues. I blamed her dad here, but think I could have helped more. I could have comforted more. I can't go back.
I can only try to make them understand now. My judgments, my lecturing, is my way of trying to stop them from making the same mistakes I did. Their kids are amazing. They are fantastic parents and the neglect I showed is not repeating itself. They are attentive, caring and everything I should have been.
Careers come and go. Money is necessary to feed hungry mouths, but time....time cannot be replaced or rewound. That is my regret. My burden to carry.

Lonely

Such a dirty word. Chemical imbalance .....

At times I think that's all it is and at others - like now - its just a little more than that.

I feel isolated. Classic symptom. But the fact is - I am isolated.

I work from home, have many people coming and going, plenty of superficial relationships.
The saying that you can be surrounded by people and still be alone. Not sure if that is the absolute truth. Those times are my happy times.
Its later that the emptiness aches.

My long time friends have disappeared, one by one fallen by the wayside as life took us on our own separate paths.
Betrayal, treachery, jealousy and the last one, just a path that has taken her to another place.
I have one true friend left. For that I am truly grateful.
She is always there. Yet so very far away.

I look back at the last few months and see the desperation. The constant trying to fit in. Trying so hard to please everyone, reaching out and bending over backwards to just be a part of something.

People are strange in that the smell of loneliness is like blood in the water, and they use it. They feed off the unhappiness. The will take and take and take, and not give back.
The more you give, the harder you try, the more of an outsider you become.
I tried. I reached out. Again and again.
At first I ignored the slights. The commitments that were broken. The phone calls not received.
Then I got angry. I hit out. I let my anger be known - hoping against hope that I would be told I was wrong and all was well.
It never happened, so I hit out a bit more.

It made me into someone I don't like to be.

I need to shrug that off now. Its time to find the happy me again. I am a creature that needs people, but I cannot continue down this path. I have to believe that my people will find me now.