Lonely

Such a dirty word. Chemical imbalance .....

At times I think that's all it is and at others - like now - its just a little more than that.

I feel isolated. Classic symptom. But the fact is - I am isolated.

I work from home, have many people coming and going, plenty of superficial relationships.
The saying that you can be surrounded by people and still be alone. Not sure if that is the absolute truth. Those times are my happy times.
Its later that the emptiness aches.

My long time friends have disappeared, one by one fallen by the wayside as life took us on our own separate paths.
Betrayal, treachery, jealousy and the last one, just a path that has taken her to another place.
I have one true friend left. For that I am truly grateful.
She is always there. Yet so very far away.

I look back at the last few months and see the desperation. The constant trying to fit in. Trying so hard to please everyone, reaching out and bending over backwards to just be a part of something.

People are strange in that the smell of loneliness is like blood in the water, and they use it. They feed off the unhappiness. The will take and take and take, and not give back.
The more you give, the harder you try, the more of an outsider you become.
I tried. I reached out. Again and again.
At first I ignored the slights. The commitments that were broken. The phone calls not received.
Then I got angry. I hit out. I let my anger be known - hoping against hope that I would be told I was wrong and all was well.
It never happened, so I hit out a bit more.

It made me into someone I don't like to be.

I need to shrug that off now. Its time to find the happy me again. I am a creature that needs people, but I cannot continue down this path. I have to believe that my people will find me now.