Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.
The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF %$^^&*!@.... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE...!!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
P.S... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
Friday, January 29, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
RESTROOMS
*When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find
a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place.
Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall
doors. Every stall is occupied
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down
the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter,
the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!
The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by
someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang
your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there
isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your
neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the
FLOOR! ), yank down your pants, and assume ' The Stance.'
*
*In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin
to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't
taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so
you hold 'The Stance.'
*
*To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for
what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In
your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Honey,
if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have
KNOWNthere was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more.
*
*You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on
yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah,
the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up
trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That
would have to do.. You crumple it in the puffiest way
possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail .
*
*Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't
work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your
neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple
backward against the tank of the toilet. 'Occupied!' you
scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious,
tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your
footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the**
TOILET SEAT** . It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing
all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made
contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the
uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper -
not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she
knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched
a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't
KNOWwhat kind of diseases you could get.'
*
*By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the
toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream
of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl
that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and
runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow
sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the
empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
*
*At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing
water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to
wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then
slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
*
*You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the
automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a
dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.
*
*You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind
soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of
toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when
you NEEDED**it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk
it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just
might need this.'
*
*As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since
entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he
asks, 'What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging
around your neck?'
*
*This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a
**public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It
finally explains to the men what really does take us so
long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions
about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the
other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand
you Kleenex under the door!
*
*This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could
describe it so accurately!
*
a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place.
Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall
doors. Every stall is occupied
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down
the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter,
the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!
The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by
someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang
your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there
isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your
neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the
FLOOR! ), yank down your pants, and assume ' The Stance.'
*
*In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin
to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't
taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so
you hold 'The Stance.'
*
*To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for
what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In
your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Honey,
if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have
KNOWNthere was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more.
*
*You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on
yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah,
the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up
trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That
would have to do.. You crumple it in the puffiest way
possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail .
*
*Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't
work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your
neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple
backward against the tank of the toilet. 'Occupied!' you
scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious,
tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your
footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the**
TOILET SEAT** . It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing
all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made
contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the
uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper -
not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she
knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched
a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't
KNOWwhat kind of diseases you could get.'
*
*By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the
toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream
of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl
that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and
runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow
sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the
empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
*
*At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing
water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to
wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then
slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
*
*You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the
automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a
dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.
*
*You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind
soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of
toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when
you NEEDED**it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk
it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just
might need this.'
*
*As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since
entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he
asks, 'What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging
around your neck?'
*
*This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a
**public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It
finally explains to the men what really does take us so
long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions
about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the
other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand
you Kleenex under the door!
*
*This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could
describe it so accurately!
*
Monday, January 11, 2010
Wow
The new year is upon us.
So much to be grateful for. My beautiful child has crested the hill and is now well and happy. She moved into her own flat and has got engaged.An August wedding date is set - so much to do and I am like a child in a sweet factory.
Venue is booked, now to do all the other stuff.
To see her so calm and happy is all I ever prayed for last year.
Thank You Lord, for hearing my prayers.
We had a wonderful Christmas, house full of family and happy children's voices.
Adore my niece and nephew, who have grown up so much since the last time I saw them 18 months prior to this.
Missing Kaylyn with her pom accent and Keegan's relentless teasing.
Haven't had time to paint since before Christmas, and can't see anything new happening in the near future as we once again get bogged down with day to day living.
Joined weighless last year and managed to lose 8kg's in 3 months. Put on of these back over Christmas, but will work on getting rid of the last 3kg's in the next month or two.
Australian trip pending. Visa finally approved, so now we must go and have a look at this new land we may be relocating to.
Benjamin (our big black schitzo dog) is getting old, and now battling to get up. His back legs have been giving him problems for the last few years, but its really noticeable now. He doesn't like children, so Christmas was a bit hair raising with having to keep reminding everyone to watch the kids around him.
We got him nine years ago as a puppy come bear. He looked just like a big bear when he arrived on my doorstep.
When he finally grew into all the fur we realised that he is a really messed up mix, which accounts for the schitzo personality.
He has the colouring of a Rottweiler, the fur of a border Colly, a Ridgeback ridge up his back - so who knows what else is in there. We suspect a big of German Sheppard as well as they are know to have weak back legs.
Anyway, he is still my puppy. Though I know that we'll need to take him to the vet soon and am dreading what the verdict will be on his legs.
Think that's all the new for now.
Happy New Year to you all. May your New Year be filled with the love of family and friends and all the laughter you can squeeze into every single day.
So much to be grateful for. My beautiful child has crested the hill and is now well and happy. She moved into her own flat and has got engaged.An August wedding date is set - so much to do and I am like a child in a sweet factory.
Venue is booked, now to do all the other stuff.
To see her so calm and happy is all I ever prayed for last year.
Thank You Lord, for hearing my prayers.
We had a wonderful Christmas, house full of family and happy children's voices.
Adore my niece and nephew, who have grown up so much since the last time I saw them 18 months prior to this.
Missing Kaylyn with her pom accent and Keegan's relentless teasing.
Haven't had time to paint since before Christmas, and can't see anything new happening in the near future as we once again get bogged down with day to day living.
Joined weighless last year and managed to lose 8kg's in 3 months. Put on of these back over Christmas, but will work on getting rid of the last 3kg's in the next month or two.
Australian trip pending. Visa finally approved, so now we must go and have a look at this new land we may be relocating to.
Benjamin (our big black schitzo dog) is getting old, and now battling to get up. His back legs have been giving him problems for the last few years, but its really noticeable now. He doesn't like children, so Christmas was a bit hair raising with having to keep reminding everyone to watch the kids around him.
We got him nine years ago as a puppy come bear. He looked just like a big bear when he arrived on my doorstep.
When he finally grew into all the fur we realised that he is a really messed up mix, which accounts for the schitzo personality.
He has the colouring of a Rottweiler, the fur of a border Colly, a Ridgeback ridge up his back - so who knows what else is in there. We suspect a big of German Sheppard as well as they are know to have weak back legs.
Anyway, he is still my puppy. Though I know that we'll need to take him to the vet soon and am dreading what the verdict will be on his legs.
Think that's all the new for now.
Happy New Year to you all. May your New Year be filled with the love of family and friends and all the laughter you can squeeze into every single day.
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