My very first child. She was 4, I was a gawky teen. The first time I saw these soulful dark eyes, I was lost. Here was a child, who was as lost as I was. She was defenseless, and tiny. I took pride in dressing her up and holding her close. At that age, what did I know of protection, what did I know of security.
I can tell of times where I put myself in front of her, or ran down dark roads to try to take her away from danger, and while its best she never remembers these times, I know she remembers the love.
The times I cried for this dark haired, dark eyed, smily soul.
I cannot begin to explain where love began and how blood means so little in the scheme of things.
The day she saw the heartbeat of her own child for the first time, I was there.
I could not have loved her more had she been born of my very own flesh. I shed as many tears, and have had as many sleepless nights over this child as I have over my own flesh. She was truly, my first child, and while I did not give birth to her, I suffer and have suffered all the guilt of not being able to be a better parent. To be a better roll model for this, a beautiful, strong girl child, who became a woman before my eyes.She started this life with so much against her, and like a diamond, has turned all of the tragedies, into big shiny stones that show the way forward. The times that she has walked away from us, at the airport in Johannesburg have torn a whole new hole in my being. To remember James screaming when we waved them goodbye a few years ago. I cannot describe the anguish.
I remember Ollie on his first trip here. Andreas beaming and bragging over this child who had made his morning, just by being in the kitchen when he was on his way to work. I remember James in our bed, screaming for mommie (who had gone out)and telling my 'child allergic' husband to "LEAVE - JUST GO", and this self same husband calming this wonderful little boy down......I miss them. I miss them all. Family they are, and family they be. Everyday is a challenge, but they flourish. They are , all three of my lost family, happy, and well, and flourishing.